Limitless

I was 24 years old the first time I ran the Boston Marathon. I stood in the starting corral cold, nervous and not really having any idea what the day would bring. Finishing was the most important thing. But in the back of my mind, finishing under 4 hours was what I really wanted. My Mom was gone but I was still trying to go above and beyond what her expectations would have been. I wanted all the people who donated to my run, emailed me encouraging words, cheered for me along the route to know that I had pushed myself for them. But in the end there was only me; it was my steady breath, my soft steps, my inner voice that would get me to the finish. There was no pain that would stop me. There was no good reason or acceptable excuse.

There is something alluring about reaching higher. Passed the point where you’ve been before and into uncharted territory. Testing your strength and leaving comfort behind. It doesn’t have to be something physical, it can be as simple as doing something that usually makes you incredibly uncomfortable. My sister and I have experienced this discomfort consistently over the last five years. Oftentimes entering this world of uncertainty, anxiety, discomfort didn’t feel like a choice because we felt the stifling pressure of external forces. But I suppose there is always a choice.

For me, running has given me the option of pushing higher. At first it was driven by goals set by external factors, mainly my mother’s illness. I would run to raise money for the institute where my mother was being treated, to decrease stress from watching her suffer, and to try to create some discomfort for myself in order to feel less guilty about her pain. Running the Boston Marathon the first two times was the product of these thoughts. Back then, a marathon seemed like the ultimate physical and mental test. But as the years and challenges pass by, I’ve found that it has become less about the distance and time it takes to cover those 26 miles and more about that reach. External factors will always be present in my life driving me to make certain choices, but the reach for something greater is intrinsic to myself. I was running faster. I was checking my watch less and less. I was more relaxed and finding peace in my movement and meditation in my breath.

Last year I finished the Boston Marathon in 3 hours, 29 minutes, and 28 seconds. I came in 6948^th place out of 22,672 finishers. I was not heading to the Olympics with that time, but something had changed. My time had improved by 26 minutes even though my training had felt less formal, more free.

Lately, I’ve been driven to run faster and farther without a goal, just a desire for something more. I continue to run without excuses and without any expectation of failure or mediocrity. But more than before, I am setting the challenge as well as reaching for the solution. When you lose the unimaginable, when you understand your mortality and no longer fear it, you move with a force that you almost can’t control. I’m beginning to understand how to harness this force and I wonder where it will take me.

If the finish line wasn’t at Copley Square and I just kept running, where would I decide to stop?